Cancer Journey

Dear Friends,
These entries were emailed to a list because so many people were inquiring as to the progress of my journey through Hodgkins Disease (Lymphoma). I tried sending a short email out every Friday or Saturday to keep people informed.

October 5, 2006
Just so we are all on the same page, here’s where we are. Over the summer I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease which is cancer of the Lymphatic System. Not too many years ago this was pretty much the death sentence. These days even at stage three, meaning I had tumors in my neck, underarm and abdomen, the prognosis is a 90 % cure rate. I have been receiving chemotherapy since late August every two weeks. Apparently it is working well. On October 3, my doctor said he did not feel anything in my neck or under my arm! He stopped short at my negotiating an early release from the six months of chemotherapy.
I am thankful that it is two weeks between each treatment. That usually means the first week is not so nice, but the second is like a new life. Its the kind of thing that makes you appreciate the health that you have.
My church has been wonderfully supportive. We have rearranged some of my ministry tasks, and others have been stepping up to do things that I cannot. They also organized a benefit concert last Sunday night that many from the community, including other churches, were a part of. Over $7,000 was raise for us that night which is more than a little overwhelming to us. That’s how these on Prince Edward Island say, “We love you.” We have been humbled by the support.
Lastly, as you pray, remember us as we are in the birth zone. Baby Ayers # 7 is due anytime. Most of this pregnancy has been overshadowed by the difficulties we have been facing. The other day, however, I caught myself daydreaming of the birth moment when I can finally welcome this light in our darker days.
We press on!
Bryan Ayers

10-14-06
Well another week goes by. I thought it would take forever to get through this, but already this next Tuesday is treatment number 4. Not much change since last week. I have noticed, however, that I am doing better right after treatment. The catch is that it is taking longer to get over the side effects. Thankfully, with the grace of God, the side effects are more aggravating than anything else. I did have a bit of a flare up in my arm. My first treatment was interveneous in my left arm because my “port a cath” had not been implanted yet. Now about a week after each treatment, even through my “port a cath,” my original treatment site swells up like a marble and feels like a screwdriver is stuck in it. Anyway it lasted for only a few days and does not hurt nearly as much now.
Enough of the medical stuff. We are learning to live with it all. I am trying not to whine too much! Through it all we are learning anew kind of trust in God. To realize that we have today, and He has us, and that is enough. There is a song we used to sing in the Teen Missions days that has been on our hearts again. Back then I really did not like it, mainly just the tune was a little slow for me. I’ve grown up a little since then, and have begun to appreciate the words of song too. It’s called “Thank You For The Valley.” It goes , “Thank your for the valley I walked through today. The darker the valley, the more I learned to pray. Thank you for every hill I climbed; for every time the sun didn’t shine.” There some other words here that I forget, but it ends with the idea that things would turn out right. We are blessed! Even when it seems that the world is crashing down on us (not that I am feeling that way now) we have a loving, just, powerful, faithful God who walks through the valley with us; most often He carries us!
Speaking of carrying. I think in just a little bit, I’ll be carrying Dawn to the hospital to have this new baby. How’s that for leaving you in suspense! I’ll email again as soon as we get home.
Go with God,
Bryan


10-22-06
Sorry this one is a day or so late. What a week we have had! First, a week ago, Dawn woke me at 1:30 AM and said we better go to the hospital. We arrived at about 2:30 AM. She was assessed as being in labor and admitted to a room. We actually went to sleep around 3:30. By the time 7:30 rolled around her contractions had stopped. We got back home just in time for church, but I had already arranged for someone else to preach, so I took the morning service off.
On Tuesday, it was time for another treatment. It went relatively smooth, just the normal stuff. The next day Dawn was ready to deliver. Our fear of bad timing came true. However all day Wednesday and most of Tuesday I had no side effects from treatment, so God’s grace came through and we could enjoy the days without much interference of health problems. Dawn’s parents had been traveling their fourth day from Minnesota and arrived Wednesday evening at the hospital to celebrate that first day with us.
Ok, Ok, I’m getting to the name and stuff! His name is Caleb (which means faithful) Joseph (which means ever increasing) Ayers (well that’s our last name so it fits). He was 8lbs. 6ozs. and 21 inches long. Mom is healthy; baby is healthy; family is all excited! We are truly blessed. Even days before he was born I remembered someone long ago saying that babies are God’s way of saying there is still hope. Hope shines in our difficult days.
God is still God!
Bryan

11-4-06
Dear Friends,
As the weeks progress it has become easier to say that after the next treatment in November I will be half way done! Although that is still 3 1/2 months away, it is way better than 6 months away when we started. I had a pastor friend take me to treatments this week since it is hardly a place to bring a nursing baby. On the way home he expressed how his eyes had been opened.
Its one thing to read and hear about so many that are being treated for cancer, yet it is another to sit across from several people for three hours and see the anxiety in their eyes. We sat with a man in the waiting room whose wife apparently was diagnosed just 6 or 8 weeks ago. He said she had been dreadfully sick, and that the treatments did not do her any good. They decided to stop the treatments and face it without. We were able to share the comfort of the presence of Christ with him, but his reply was, “Ya, a person needs something.” I clarified, “No, a person needs Jesus.”
God has been using these moments to open the world of suffering to me, even if only a little bit. Some of my lessons are about me personally and my reactions to trials. Some lessons have been to look beyond myself to the closets of life where people are in waiting rooms and treatment rooms, anxious over their earthly fate and the trial in the day ahead of them. It is not all gloomy though. A lady named Lillian, who had treatments the same days as me, had her last treatment on Tuesday.
In those few steps that she walked by my chair as she walked out, wishing me the best I had so many thoughts in my head. “Why can’t that be me today?” “Go Lillian! show the world that there is life after all this!” Even now on one hand I rejoice for her, but I find the tears flowing easily for my own difficulty. I am not sure how strong or weak that makes me. I have a feeling that it just makes me real. I can handle that.

I have always said that Dawn was a trooper in difficult times. As I  watch her now in all that she does with Caleb, the other kids, and her now sometimes out of commission husband, I see her as the angel God made her to be. Before Caleb was born she was plain tireless. Now she is tired, but keeps going. I do not know what I ever did to deserve a wife like her. I believe God in his great foreknowledge new I would need her. I look forward to the days when I can again cherish her beyond mere thoughts, and do for her. Her parents were just here for 10 days. They have always been and continue to be a blessing to us. They took time with the children, and did lots of housework. Its just too bad it rained the entire time they were here!
In all this I know that God is my refuge and strength. I am thankful that not only has He assured me victory over this cancer, but also over this world when I will get to stand face to face with Christ Jesus. I am thankful that my doctor has fallen in line with God’s diagnosis commenting on the reversing of my tumors. I am thankful for your prayers, letters, and phone calls. They are like a life ring to us. Thanks for listening and caring. We love you!
God is still God!
Bryan


11-11-06
Dear Friends,
It’s amazing how things go up and down from week to week. Last week, I was rejoicing for the lady that had her last treatment. This week a friend that I had made who also had cancer (a different kind though) passed away from a pneumonia complication. This man and his wife were part of our journey and wonderful encouragers to us. My best friend here is also this man’s pastor. After the funeral today, he said to me, “I know what you were thinking today during the service. 50 years from now you won’t even remember these days.” There are days that I have to truly live by faith while my mind ponders the possibilities. Would you pray for Finn Perry, the widow of Albert Perry who just died. She has seen her husband through a whole year of intense cancer battles, and now he’s gone. They have been a great Christian example to many including me.
I don’t always read My Utmost for His Highest on a regular basis, but today I just happen to pick it up, and I’m surprised it did not have my name at the top. Basically, he talked of letting God define the trial that He is using to teach you what He wants to teach you. I have been prepared to tell the doctor that twelve treatments is it even if he thought it should go to sixteen. It probably won’t come to that seeing as the detectable tumors have already gone away. Isn’t dealing with God nearly all about attitude though?
Anyway in the ups and downs I am reminded of the song that says something about, “the God of the mountain being the God of the valley too.” He continues to prove that to me. Dawn reminded me of the end of Psalm 121 today. It’s funny because its my favorite verse to encourage people that are going into surgery. It says, “He will guard your coming in and going out from this time forth and forever.” I don’t even have to look around in my coming and going to see if He is still here beside me, “for the Comforter abides with me!” Next Tuesday- half way through treatments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God is still God!
Bryan


11-26-06
Dear Friends,
Another week, another week, another week…(I know I actually missed last week). Time keeps rolling along whether you want it to slow down or hurry up. I am glad to be half way through treatments and looking for the finish line. While things tend to be almost monotonous at this point I did have a startling reality last Sunday. I was talking with a friend after church about God’s healing power and how faith relates. My friend mentioned how perhaps we don’t see miraculous healings anymore because there is not enough faith to make it happen. Quickly my mind ran through the hundreds of people that are praying for me across the US and Canada. I replied with something like you mean the hundreds of people that are praying for me don’t have enough faith added together to convince God that I need a miracle? Right after that statement it occurred to me that actually I am already healed. I don’t mean theoretically or waiting for the healing that is technically already mine. I mean I am now healed. Thinking out loud I said, “Look, the doctor told me six weeks ago that the detectable tumors were gone, and they have been ever since.” I realized at that moment that I am now surviving chemotherapy not cancer.
These thoughts lead me to another process- the question of continuing chemotherapy or not. I have prayed since the beginning for God to just let me know if He ever wanted me to trust in Him alone and not even use the doctor (don’t worry I am not spacing out here). There still is a legitimate issue of radical faith in all of this for me. From the very beginning I have had a clear understanding that it is the path God had for me to go through the treatments, but this new realization challenged that again. We went to another church Sunday night to join in their revival services. During prayer around the altar afterward, I was praying for some who had come forward. As I prayed there I knew God wanted to speak something to me. Suddenly a verse of a hymn came to me, “Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow…” Once again peace rested over me that I would be fine to follow the path God had laid out for me. He would give me the strength to face chemotherapy for another 6 treatments. He will walk with me. As the song finishes, “Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”
It is dangerous for us to think that the path God has for us is blissful and without pain. Name any who followed God even as mighty saints who did not experience hardships. At the first sign of interruption in our lives, we are tempted to say, “God, where are You? Don’t You care that I suffer?” Even worse some would say, “Where is this God that was supposed to protect me, heal me, and fulfill my every desire?” or “if God isn’t going to make my life everything that I want, I don’t want Him!” Especially as believers we might need to wake up to the real world and real life so that we truly could say, “God whatever comes in this life, I am Yours, and I will trust You with whatever You want for my life. Just use me to bring glory to You!” Some of this messes with some theology perspectives I know. Do I think God wants us to suffer? The real question should be- What is God willing to allow into our lives to perfect us into the image of Christ? What am I willing to go through to allow God to perfect me?
Wow, I didn’t mean to preach, but take it for whatever it means to you. Thank you for your prayers. Many still ask how I am doing. The answer just depends on when you ask. Treatment weeks are blah! Second weeks are good! My life has been divided for this span of six months into good and bad weeks. I have learned that God is very present in the good and the bad. “Because He lives I can face tomorrow!”
God is still God!
Bryan



12-16-06
Wow. It is hard to believe that it has been several weeks since I wrote last! The days continue on. Treatments have been changed from Tuesdays to Wednesdays because of the holidays in December. In fact on the 27th, I have to go to Charlottetown because so many doctors will be on vacation. I say so many. There are only about four to five oncologists on the island. Next Tuesday, the 19th I have a scan done to see how the tumor in my abdomen has responded. The other tumors have been gone for some time, but the only way to see this one is by scan. I must say that it is easy to be optimistic, but in truth there is always a wonder of what really is happening inside.
There is always hope, we don’t give up on a faithful God who has already done so much for us. I look back over this journey, and although I would never pick the struggle, I would never trade it either. The blessings of God, the blessings, the blessings, the blessings from every side, I see the blessings coming. Through people near and far-strangers and loved ones- churches and community, and many times by the very presence of the living God we have been strengthened, comforted, and challenged. Do we believe this gospel or not, do we trust our lives to the very hand of the living God or not? Even if we don’t for the moment understand His wisdom and plan. Of course we trust Him. As one disciple said in the Gospel of John, “Who else has the words of life?”
Dawn’s parents were here in October right when Caleb was born. My parents just spent two weeks here as well. These visits at these critical times have meant the world to us. They will be of the most memorable visits of our lives. We are so thankful for family, church family and friends who are standing with us.
So how are we really? I have some progressing side effects. My fingernails are turning brown. My hands are scaly and there is numbness on my fingertips. My mouth feels like I ate some really hot food that burns making so I cannot taste much. I have about 5% of my hair left, and my anti-nausea medications give me real bad heart burn. Thank God that’s about all there is! Most of these last only for about a week. It has become a mind game from here. It takes getting psyched-up for treatments and medications. I must say that my nurses for treatment; Donna, Janet and Susan; continue to be angels, and I don’t know how well I would do without their care and support. Dawn does so much just putting up with me during treatment weeks. I don’t know how she does it? I can be a real whiner sometimes.
Thank you too, for letting me share my struggles, my victories, and my life with you. I have often just been very frank about what I have been feeling and thinking. Sometimes people have responded with concern, but trust in this, God knew when I was knit together in my mother’s womb. He knows the number of hairs on my head ( and how many I’ve lost). We not only experience His faithfulness, but we will continue to love and serve Him for we belong to Him. He can handle my questions, my whining, and my praise to Him in all this. We keep our eyes on Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. How Great is our God!
God is still God!
Bryan Ayers

1-8-07
Dear Friends,         

Here we are heading into the new year 2007. Do you remember putting water in the new trash can that you bought, so you would have it when the world as we knew caved in in the year 2000. Well, you probably figured by now that the world did not cave in. Time passes on. These last months do seem to have flown by, and I have treatment number 10 of 12 tomorrow. Even with time passing on so fast, I remember a few times thinking, “will this ever end?” I received the news we have been waiting for this week from my doctor. His office called and said that my CT scan looked great from his viewing, but he would wait for the doctor that reports on the scan to file his report before discussing any details with me. This means my treatments should end at twelve sometime the first week of February.
I was a bit skeptical at the waiting for the other doctors report. Was my doctor’s reading good enough or not? The next day I put in a Third Day CD, and the first song God used to let me know His plans. The chorus says, “there’s a light at the end of this tunnel, shining bright at the end of this tunnel for you, for you.” I’ve known that God healed me of the cancer for a few months now. How could I be skeptical now? I thanked God for His reassurance, realizing that finally the doctors would be let in on the news of my healing too.
I still am in awe of God’s blessings to our lives. Churches, family, and friends in Florida, California, all over Atlantic Canada and Minnesota have sent gifts of money, cards and even Christmas presents for the whole family. I think we counted five Christmas celebrations over the last months between grandparents visiting and churches sending Christmas gifts at different times. We have literally been swamped with kindness and generosity. I am so far behind in thank you’s it isn’t funny. Daily, I thank God for using so many to extend not only their love but His love through them.
I know we are making it through. I can see the light at the end of my tunnel, but it is not over yet. This last treatment was probably the second worst reaction that I have had. On New Years Eve I went to bed at 10:30, the earliest in a year, and slept till 9:30 the next day. I am glad that I slept through it though. It was one of those things that you just can’t sit and you can’t stand, and walking hurts too. Its funny how two or three days can make a difference though. I’ve been right on top of things since then. Well I think I have. You might need Dawn’s opinion on that.
A week or two ago, I read a little from Dietrich Bonhoffer. He was saying how in crisis we often want to shut down, stop moving ahead, and we stop dreaming and planning. But the most important time to keep up those activities is in crisis. That same night Dawn read to me from a new devotional by Greg Laurie. He was talking about how in our struggles we need to be like Paul and press on toward the goal. This year I have learned the lesson of facing issues in life and not running from them. So by the grace of God, we press on. Now that I can see the goal ahead, pray for us not to get weary as we run.
God is still God!
Bryan

I haven’t been able to find the final entries of my updates, so I’ll sum it up here.
I finished chemotherapy in March 07.  That was one thing that I would never want to see again.  The first scans following were all clear and serve as abase line for the future.  I am so thankful to be a survivor of the whole ordeal. I was honored to walk the survivor’s lap at the annual Walk For Life in May 07.
God has shown me things about myself and His grace that never would have known.  Many, many people from all across North America have been God’s hand in our lives blessing us beyond our imaginations.
God is still God!  We go on to tell the stories of a faithful and loving God that walks with us in the hard things of life and and gives us His grace through every circumstance, both good and bad.
Blessings,
Bryan